Loss of a child

Part 8 of 13 in the series Seasons

“Let the silent tears flow
And when your eyes clear
Perhaps you will glimpse
How your eternal child
Has become the unseen angel
Who parents your heart
And persuades the moon
To send new gifts ashore.”
John O’Donohue

Darkness

The emotional dust was settling,

the perspective adjusting,

shame subsiding,

the lies retreating,

fear releasing,

body calming,

mind slowing,

heart resting.

I had just watched me being crazy,

captive, crushed, ground and collapsed…

turning to familiar places fatal.

The nemesis out of her nest,

shaking the shame finger at me,

removing splinters with an ice pick.

Stirring, stalking, streaming

the oh so familiar exposure,

the core wound

at the heart of being me,

never completely gone,

ever waiting for that moment to strangle the very life from any respite or joy.

The pozer exposed…at last!

“Thus sayeth the raven – nevermore.”

 

Watching me now watching me,

powerless and stupid to love and truth.

Emptying the vessel of hope,

fingernails clawing but unable to stop the slide into hopelessness and pity.

Just wishing the bottom close.

When will I die?

Oh great illusion of my separation.

Sin of sins the KING.

 

Fasting, aching, silent retreat,

pushing, running feeling defeat.

Let the monster arrive,

fully dressed in pride.

Made up and stark,

so powerful and dark.

I meet Kelsey in this place,

‘twas here that day so awful – Awful grace –  when peace did come,

so low, so heavy, so radically oppressed.

I can’t escape,

but look I must

for freedom from this dire thrust

to places free from devil dust, lust and load and locked.

 

 

Death, the only option seemed so clear.

I’ll get there now

I cannot trust the God of awful grace.

 

My friend will welcome me when life is done

with nothing holding my head down.

The waters deep I can’t escape

now breath so free

once shackles loosed about my broken heart at last.

The pain is gone, I’m free again!!!

The channel spoke this piece so dark.

 

pain subsides

new light abides.

things wiped clean, complete release.

Process the pain in stillness now

don’t numb the centers in deceit.

Embrace the shame,

it’s here today.

 

My friend I love the dance we do

so often now

but less then when

I could never be for even a moment

now set free.

 

We’ll meet again I’m sure

but let the love we have for each other

be a light for others in this same dark place

where we can meet and share defeat.

From this will rise a new sung song

free from ideals strong

but strangle held in places wrong.

 

The thing I do

is let this be my friend

for bits of time

to mourn the loss of one so sweet

I cannot the depth of loss perceive

but rise now clean my vision clear

my child dear

………………….no longer here.

We visit now but once this year

and set it down for most the rest

to touch our hearts in love the best.

You’re always here with me my kid,

‘tis here that healing benefits

And blesses life and lives with love

Connected in the now,

the present presence of heaven found.

Join me here.

Charles Myking

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Winter | Ideas for Self Care
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